Control Food

I don’t know when it started

When food became an issue

I remember how life was

I was diagnosed as dyslexic

After my Mum sent me for a private test

Although the School didn’t want to accept it

They didn’t want to help

Budget issues, staffing and resources

Excuses, excuses, excuses

My Mum fought their disbelief

Craving the help and guidance I needed

I heard judgemental whispers

Rancid gossip from those who demand respect

Also at this time

My brother suffered depression

So life was stressed

At school I became wallpaper

The bullies wouldn’t pick on me

The populars left me alone

I was a muddle of mismashed words

So I spoke in low whispers

They could not make fun of

What they did not hear


I existed

Floating through life


Forever falling

Deeper into despair

The beginning came

With a loss of appetite

Food offered me no comfort

I cut my skin

I wrote down my feelings

I even tried magic

Latching onto a child like essence

Casting spells of protection

Wishing for release

It didn’t come

Homework and coursework weighted me down

Working until midnight

Just to keep up with my peers

I wanted to get good GCSE’s

It irritated me

My classmates shirked off their work

Yet achieved more than me


I couldn’t understand it

Eventually exhaustion took me

It was easy to skip meals

When my mind was overloaded

It was never about being thin

I was already thin

In fact my body lacked curves

Which lowered my self esteem more

I was skinny and pale

Sometimes likened to a corpse

It hurt

Yet it only made me eat less

I needed to control something

Something I could do

Something I could be good at

I became an expert at food avoidance

I told friends I’d have my dinner at Grandmas

I told Grandma I’d have dinner at school with friends

And when I did have to eat with people

I’d rearrange my meal

Making it look less

It was a skill

My biggest achievement

Was the satisfaction of no food for two week

I just wasn’t hungry anymore

The demon was eventually slain

A break through came

In the form of new life

She became my reason

To eat

To give her substance

To be her Mum

Yet that devil still stalks me

With its temptation to control

My life


By Autumn Willow


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Right, it’s not really about being thin. It’s a way of reacting to and coping with other issues.

    1. Poetkatie says:

      Exactly, thank you x

  2. Now there’s a heart breaking line: The bullies wouldn’t pick on me

    Denial of ones existence is brutal.

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